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Voodoo Pen*s

2005-02-10T07:23:00.000-08:00

A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, we have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!""Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Pen*s."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Pen*s?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!

"The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo P*nis, the door.

"The Voodoo P*nis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle.

Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Pen*s, return to box!

"The Voodoo P*nis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiet once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo P*nis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo P*nis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo P*nis, my crotch!" The Voodoo P*nis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo P*nis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!

"The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo P*nis, my a*s."The rest a*s history.

Funny Guy Singing and Dancing

2005-02-07T11:08:00.000-08:00

Thank you for forwarding this link...it is so funny. Click on the link below to see a guy singing and dancing to a hilarious song!

http://db.playego.com.br/orafiles/01122005120941567g.swf

Please give it time to load and turn up your volume on your computer.

Hope you enjoy it and remember to pass it on to all of your friends.

Ha Ha!

Son of a B*tch!

2005-02-05T07:25:00.000-08:00

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bi*ch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bi*ch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bi*ch."
Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BI*CH!!!"

Southern Redneck . . . What's Your Name?

2005-02-04T08:39:00.000-08:00

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business, the Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said. "What myths are those?"

"Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the best endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait." "Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent." "We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."

Good-hearted Lawyer

2005-02-04T06:32:00.000-08:00

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

"But, sir, I have a wife and two children!" "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is almost a foot tall."

Read Between the Lines

2005-02-03T06:35:00.000-08:00

Letter of Recommendation:

While working with Mr. Xxxxxx, I have always found him
working studiously and sincerely at his table without
gossiping with colleagues in the office. He seldom
wastes his time on useless things. Given a job, he always
finishes the given assignment in time. He is always
deeply engrossed in his official work, and can never be
found chitchatting in the canteen. He has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishment and profound
knowledge of his field. I think he can easily be
classed as outstanding, and should on no account be
dispensed with. I strongly feel that Mr. Xxxxxx should be
pushed to accept promotion, and a proposal to management be
sent away as soon as possible.

Branch Manager

A second note following the report:

Mr. X was present when I was writing the report mailed to you
today. Kindly read only the alternate lines 1, 3, 5, 7,...
for my true assessment of him.

Marketing 101

2005-02-03T06:31:00.000-08:00

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed".
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she dropsit, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed".
That's Brand Recognition.

A Little Orange Huh?

2005-02-02T08:13:00.000-08:00

A guy goes to a doctor and says, 'Doc, you've got to help me. My p*nis is orange.'

The doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. The guy’s p*nis is indeed orange. The doc tells the guy, 'This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life.'

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, 'How are things going at work?'

The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago. The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress. The guy responds, 'No. The boss was a real a*shole; I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy.' So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, 'How's your home life?' The guy says, 'Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.'

The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guy's stress.

The guy says 'No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old witch.'

So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, 'Do you have any hobbies or a social life?'

The guy replies, 'No, not really. Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos.'

You Have Mail

2005-02-02T08:09:00.000-08:00

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive, blonde, female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, looked inside, slammed it shut, and stormed back into her house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox, again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came again. She marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps telling me I have mail!"

That's What I Call Photography

2005-02-02T06:56:00.000-08:00

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon.

"Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to...." "Oh, no need to need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one onthe couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!""Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam, in my line of work,a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure." "Don't I know it" Mrs. Smith said quietly.The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus." "Oh my God!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief."And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." "She was difficult?"asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so.

I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate.Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in. "Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um...equipment?" "That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work.""Tripod??" "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.""Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Wet Fingers

2005-01-28T13:58:00.000-08:00

Wet Fingers

A typical married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty". He did this only for a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book.After a few minutes of more reading, he reached over to his wife and started fondling her "kitty" again.

Moments later, he resumed his reading.The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband was confused and asked, "What are you doing taking your clothes off?" The wife replied, "You were playing with my "kitty". I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.

The husband said, "No, not at all." The wife then asked," Well, what the heck were you doing then?""I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book!"

Rope and Two Knots

2005-01-28T13:51:00.000-08:00

A Rope & Two Knots!

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.After the wedding they left for their honeymoon.

While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"The husband, a bit flustered, answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows, they're roping!"She replies, "Oh, I see!"After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"The husband answers again, "Them horses, they're roping!"She replies, "Oh, I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other's bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's pen*s."Oh my!" she cries, "What is that?""Well, darlin'" he chuckles proudly, "That's ma'rope!"She slides her hands down further and gasps, "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks."Honey, those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!"Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?""No," the bride replies, "undo them damn knots, I need more rope!"

Tequila Joke

2005-01-28T13:28:00.000-08:00

Tequila!

A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle pops out a Genie.The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish...anything you want."The Mexican begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking tequila."Finally the Mexican says, "I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila.

"The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it's clear.Looks like tequila. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like tequila.So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted. The Mexican yells to his wife,"Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly!"She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it. He tells her to drink it. It is tequila.Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.

The two drink and party all night.The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds to fill the two glasses. The result is the same. The Tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.

Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife, "Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila."His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him, "But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?"Pancho raises the glass and says, "Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle."Arriba!!!!

Is Laughter the Best Medicine?

2004-12-02T06:25:00.000-08:00

Speaking from an adult perspective...

As children, we laughed almost 500 times per day. As adults, we laugh about 20 times per day. Do we become unhappier as we grow up due to the stresses of life? Or, do you think the number of times you laugh does not matter at all?

Laughter is directly related to our immune system. Bad stress suppresses your immune system, whereas good stress (laughter) improves it. Studies have found that humor and exercise trigger similar physiological processes. Laughter shows increasing levels in the good hormones --such as endorphins and neurotransmitters -- and decreasing levels of the stress hormones -- cortisol and adrenaline in the human body. Laughter is one of the body's safety valves, a counter balance to tension. When we release that tension, the elevated levels of the body's stress hormones drop back to normal, thereby allowing our immune systems to work more effectively.

Here's the most interesting thing that you might not know...Did you know that you can fake laughter and your body will respond as if the laughter is real? On the other hand, being sad can seriously damage the body. Then, my question is why would anyone not want to laugh or smile even if he/she is faking it if in the end it is always beneficial?

Please visit http://www.ratejokes.com and have a laugh. Also, please share the laughs with everyone you know. You may be doing a lot more good than you know.

Please comment on this story.

Ratejokes.com Launches a Joke Rating Site to Determine the World's Funniest Jokes

2004-12-02T04:41:00.000-08:00

Ratejokes.com has launched a high quality content-rich jokes rating site that allows visitors to submit jokes, rate jokes, email jokes and print jokes.

Visitors will also be able to save jokes to their favorites folder from which they can email or print jokes later.What sets Ratejokes.com apart from other sites is the focus on quality and functionality. Most joke sites on the web show a lack of organization. This is where Ratejokes.com shines.

As the site builds its free membership and the jokes database grows, visitors will have access to the funniest jokes that were submitted. Over time, by having visitors rate the jokes, the greatest jokes will be discovered. The top rated jokes page will display the top jokes by rating. From this page, a visitor will be able to see the joke and email it to all of their friends which will help spread laughter throughout the world.

Please visit http://www.ratejokes.com today and see what all the buzz is about.

Visitors can view the top-rated jokes by going to http://www.ratejokes.com/top_rated.php